Res Ipsa Loquitor. This latin phrase translates to: the thing speaks for itself. With this in mind, please note the following data"
Studies in the early 1980’s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around. (Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage –Harvard University Press 1981)
Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill “Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)
Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment” Sage Publications, 1988)
Children of divorce are at a greater risk to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than children whose parents have remained married. (Dawson, “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well Being” National Health Interview Survey on Child Health, Journal of Marriage and the Family)
A study of children six years after a parental marriage breakup revealed that even after all that time, these children tended to be “lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure. (Wallerstein “The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1991)
People who come from broken homes are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide than those who do not come from broken homes. (Velez-Cohen, “Suicidal Behavior and Ideation in a Community Sample of Children” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1988)
Taking the above as the gospel truth, what can be done to ameliorate these problems? The answer is, I don't know. What I do know is that you can be a voice of support and reason for your kids during this impossibly difficult time. It takes courage, maturity and stability to follow the following rules. However, in my opinion, after over 30 years of handling these kinds of cases, the following concepts are a minimum plan to save your childrens' future:
1. Make sure your children understand that they are not the reason for the divorce. Keep the explanation simple, your mother and I can no longer live together happily. You need to know that this has nothing to do with you. Your mom and I both love you very much and nothing will change that.
2. Take care when discussing litigation. Your children do not need to know the sum and substance of all legal documents, depositions, and proceedings. If you and your spouse are unable to decide the issue of custody, you may wish to offer a simply explanation like a judge is going to decide the time you will spend with your mommy and daddy because we both love you very much and can't agree.
3. Allow the children to love both parents. Create an environment where the children can be free to love both parents. If you cringe or change the subject when your child brings up Daddy's name, you may be sending a message to your child that you do not approve of his or her relationship with your ex.
4. Do not send messages through your children. If you are unable to communicate by any means with your ex whether in-person, by phone, or e-mail, you may wish to consider co-parenting counseling or request a parent coordinator.
5. Do not say disparaging things about the other parent in front of the children. Judges will expect you to be supportive of the childrens' relationship with their other parent
6. Be supportive of your childrens' activities. If at all possible, take your children to their activities when it is your time. On the other hand, be respectful of the other parent's time with the children. It's difficult to look supportive of the other parent's relationship if you always schedule well-visits during the other parent's time.
7. Use good judgment before introducing your children to someone you are dating. Introducing your children to someone that you have just met or are just beginning to know can be confusing and even detrimental to your children.
8. Take the high road when possible. This may sound contrary to the advice you might expect from a divorce attorney. However, when it comes to things like schedule changes, sometimes it is better to give a little even if the favor isn't always returned. In the event the matter goes to court, it is always better to be perceived as the parent who is flexible and cooperative.
